in this last week, something new is happening for me where I can't tell if I am dreaming, awake or in innerdance. I've never known anything like it and I am fascinated. It began on Tuesday night. After finishing my very first podcast discussing innerdance, I sent pi and the global community access to the recording. It was past my bedtime so I went to sleep with some nervous excitement on how the podcast would be received. It was so important to me to represent innerdance well and it was with reluctance I turned my phone face down so I wouldn't awaken to any messages coming through until morning.
I wake up to go to the toilet and I check my phone; Pi has sent through a hieroglyphic message full of dolphins and waves. I read the symbols, recognising the meaning of his feedback and how each image refers to a particular part of the interview. I go back to sleep and now I am in the middle of the podcast, watching myself. I hear me make reference to some German research on trauma with an air of authority. As the observer, I realise this research does not exist and I am making up information! I then spend the rest of the time trying to make sure no-one listens to the podcast because they will hear my false claims.
I surprise myself by waking up. I check my phone and see that Pi has not sent me a hieroglyphic email but a whatsapp message. I am a little confused. I feel compelled to listen to the podcast so I can hear exactly what I said about this false research, but I make no reference to it whatsover! I can't believe it, It was so real. I now realise that during the night, I didn't wake up at all, I didn't go to the bathroom, I didn't check my phone either. It takes me a few hours to reground and discern what was 'real' and what was 'dream'.
That evening, I am attending innerdance and I am in a long hallway; there are many paintings and mirrors on the walls and there is very little light. I cannot tell if I am actually in this hallway or this is innerdance. Can it be both simultaneously? I look for clues to fact check and I cannot determine either way until the soundscape ends.
I go to bed and have deep vivid dreams. I am in an old childhood home and I need to go up the stairs. They are dark and I know danger awaits me. I feel tonic immobility begin to glaciate me from the inside out and fear rises up to my throat. I know I cannot scream for help and that sound must be pushed out of my body with every ounce of energy I have. I feel my whole body strain and exert until a moan emits followed by a scream "I don't feel safe, help me'. When I wake up in the morning, I ask my partner if I made any sound during the night. exclaiming yes, he describes exactly my dream experience.
I am struck by how my dream urged it's way through into our shared reality and how these dimensions are blending so intensely, I am unable to tell which dimension I am truly in ,and whether there is actually a difference betwen dream and awake other than which state I am in at any given moment. I am also proud of myself for finding a way through. I have a deep rooted fear that in a moment of danger, I would not be able to alert anyone and cry for help. Now I know I can, even from the deepest and darkest freeze state.
As I write, I remember my last diary entry where I explore being drunk in the dreamscape and waking up with the hangover. I google, reading descriptions of a phenomena called false awakenings. Celia Green Phd describes 2 types which resonate with my own experiences. Apparently false awakenings occur during the hybrid state of consciousness which innerdance purposefully induces. These new wonders are like a portal for me, inviting me into another dimension of consciousness previously inaccessible. Although they may be known as 'false', I am experiencing how vivid and true they are and within them, how I can creatively bring my dreams out of deep timespace and into my present moment, bridging the gap between worlds.
Perhaps I now understand at a richer plane that innerdance is a gateway to bond time, space and infinite dimensions as one so there is no difference or separation. And maybe the real false awakening is the most commonly experienced consciousness which keeps us in habit and pattern. Maybe the old 'me' is dying as I leave those well worn illusions behind and crossing over into the truth/innerdance is integrating within me at such a deep state, I am embodying and radiating these tenets from within, outward.
Taking part in the podcast has advanced my integration, creating profound connections with all I am learning and knowing in ways which vibrate with resonant verity. I really am dreaming myself in to being and to end, I shall borrow from Shakespeare who too, must have known innerdance in his own way...“To die, to sleep – to sleep, perchance to dream – ay, there's the rub, for in this sleep of death what dreams may come…”
